Cocaine And Lobster

I haven’t written in a while. It’s been too long since I sat down and just let the words flow out of my mind. And now that I’ve got a little bit of time I don’t know exactly what to say.

I don’t have the internet connection I’m use to. In fact I’m writing this in an offline word editor and later on I’ll hook up some kind of wireless technology and just copy/paste the words into the blog you’re reading now.

I guess the best thing to do is catch you up on what’s been going on.

I finally broke and registered for welfare. After 12 solid months of avoiding it I gave in and called the welfare office. I haven’t actually collected any money yet because the entire process is slow and tedious and could be streamlined, but won’t be.

Here’s how it’s worked so far for me. Your mileage may vary.

Call the office, wait on hold so long that you actually have time to apply for a job ( I actually did this ).

Finally get through to someone that is essentially a speaking form. I assure you everything the person did could have been done online through a simple web based form. “Are you working?” “Do you have a partner?” “Do they earn over $1500 per fortnight?” “Do they earn less than $800 per fortnight?”. Finally, after answering the questions they tell you that someone else is going to call you back… in a week.

The person that calls you back has a little more personality but is also what could be classified as a talking form. Similar questions except a little more detailed “How much does your partner earn exactly?”. After they ask you those questions guess what happens? That’s right, they organise a time for you to go into an office and answer more questions. Except they ask you where your nearest office is, tell you that the next available appointment is two weeks away and then tell you that they’re going to post you… forms. That way you can write down essentially what they just asked you. From the time I made first contact to the time I get to discuss whether or not I’m actually getting anything has been 25 days. It’s a good thing people getting welfare have extra cash laying around to keep them going for a month or so while the welfare office sort themselves out. It’s immediately obvious to anyone that isn’t a bureaucrat the process is broken. But that’s okay, I knew what to expect and it’s why I’ve been avoiding it for so long.

And that’s the welfare side of things. I also had a job interview, well two job interviews but for the same place. Which is good. I’m waiting to hear back from that with a yes or no but still, it gave me hope. I was extremely happy when the interviewer asked how I was. “Nervous” “Don’t be, you’ve made it this far out of five hundred applicants” “Well then I’ll trade nervous for proud”. Which I am, it was a massive boost to my ego and self confidence. Now it’s just the waiting game again, which is not fun.

I also had an appointment with a job agency ( required by law when you register for welfare ) and was told that I was in the group of people that need help the least, which I’m fine with. It basically translates to “you know how to look for work and can write a resume”. I get to see them again in three months time if I’m a) not dead b) have a job. I also had a chat to the very helpful man about a government scheme that assists people in getting a small business up and running. Now to clarify, they don’t actually give you money to start with. I’m okay with that, as far as the business is concerned I have everything I need ( in fact the business is making The Game which I’ve been doing for a year now ). What they do give you is the ability to not fill out job search forms every fortnight and still collected welfare. You don’t get any more than anyone else. They also give you training in business management which I think is the most helpful part, and there’s help to write up a business plan. The whole project, from what I’ve read, is really quiet good. The only issue is that it runs for 3 months, every 3 months. The last one started at the beginning of this week, so if I want in I have to wait 3 months. By that stage I’m hopefully going to be working full time and funding my own study, but that’s okay I still think it’s awesome that the project exists for those that need it.

We might/should/are moving house as well. The rent on the place we’re in is now too much for my wife ( Silver ) to carry on her own. Looking for a place to rent is about as hard as looking for a job.

We had a look at one two weeks ago, very exciting prospect. It had a bath, which is something our current home lacks.

Bath my arse. It was the size of a baby tub. Okay maybe a little bigger than that. Our disappointment must be akin to a lady getting on with a hulk of a man, arms like cannons and abs you can wash your clothes on, then he removes his pants and there’s a thumb where his dick should be. We didn’t apply.

We did apply for one place though. Amazing for the price, close to buses ( needed because I sold my car, sadface ) and close to shops. All the good things in life really. Ironically it also would have meant better internet. Like that matters now. EL OH EL. Didn’t get it because we have a cat.

Just a note to all you realtors and landlords out there. Cats are cleaner than kids. I have yet to have my cat draw on the walls. He’s smart enough to but he doesn’t. Oh well.

And with that I think I’m done, I just got a notice to say I wasn’t successful for a job, so I’m going to go find out why. And then I’m going to try sit down and smash out some extra ideas I had for Dawn ( The Game ). As for the topic, I know I didn’t write about it here, but just take it as truth. Because they really are.

Take it easy folks.

Lately there has been an ever growing number of people that just don’t understand what a relationship is, or how much work goes into one.

Or at least that’s the impression I’m getting given the conversations I’m hearing about.

It’s nearly twelve months since I discovered that I was the 1 in 4 that are lucky enough to have depression of some form. I consider my case to be fairly mild as far as depression is concerned, I haven’t tried to end my life, and I’m not on medication ( that’s by choice, my doctor did offer ).

During that twelve month period my wife has been primary contributor to our being alive. It’s been very very hard. We haven’t been able to splash out on things like we use to. I haven’t bought a game in that time, we haven’t gone out to dinner, or go to the movies, or bought DVDs and we haven’t had a holiday.

I can understand what this looks like to outside eyes. They see someone looking after their lazy as shit husband who does nothing but sit at home on the computer all day. Of course this isn’t true. I’ve been at home, sure, but I’ve been working. I just haven’t been paid yet ( aside from a few donations that helped pay rent once ).

Making a game is extremely hard work, especially when you’re doing everything yourself. Over the course of the last year I’ve had to learn how to program, and I’m still not all the way there. I still get confused about certain things, like how data is collected and stored and how to retrieve that data later. I recently did a survey on Save Games and found that the way I was going to do things ( the easy way ) wasn’t regarded as very good. It fact a lot of people said they would stop playing the game if I were to do things that way. Now I don’t want people to pay for my game only to stop half way through. I want people to see all the game, to experience the story and to really feel like they had a good time. Aside from programming I’ve had to adjust to a new way of doing things in terms of graphics. I taught myself new processes in work flow that are more efficient and still give good results. I’ve had to learn and practice user interface ( UI ) design. What I’m saying is that in the past twelve months I’ve been really, really busy. I’m proud of that.

I’m not proud that we’ve had to go without. I think it’s fair to say that Silver ( my wife ) has found it hard. That’s understandable. At first I don’t think she really got what I was doing though she knew that it was a dream of mine to make games. I believed that this was going to be over in a matter of months, which was wrong, and over time she believed that too. She has supported us with minimal complaint.

Last week she came home from work and told me that someone she works with questioned why she’d stayed with me. That hurt. A lot. This isn’t the first time that someone raised the issue and this is where the title of today’s post comes in.

I like to see the best in people. It might not seem that way because I’m naturally cynical but I really do want to believe that people, generally, are good. Silver is a perfect example of this which is why I love her and have done for the past eleven years. These people that say things like “I don’t know how you’ve done it. I’d have left by now” displays a weakness that I just don’t understand. I don’t get why a person would leave a relationship just because the other isn’t making money. That’s a gold-digger mentality. I think that to maintain a relationship a person really needs to appreciate that we all have weaknesses, that we all have traits that make us less than perfect and work with those imperfections. Whether that means you try help them overcome the issues or just accept that those issues are there.

She’s going to hate me for posting this, but Silver snores. Sometimes it’s like she’s possessed by some kind of demon. It really can be quiet scary at times. Especially when she sits bolt upright and her head twists around and she vomits all over the walls. Now this means that I generally don’t get to sleep until late. I deal with it. I don’t tell her to go sleep on the couch, or wake her up ( though I have played a game where I block one of her nostrils a couple of times. ). That’s a fault and I’m willing to cope with it.

I guess what I’m saying is this. If you’re so troubled that your relationships are defined by how much money your partner brings in then you need to understand that you’re so shallow that no one, ever, will drown in you.

So this is it. Last post of the year. Today is the last day of 2011 and I’m half glad to see the end of it and yet it wasn’t a terrible year.

I see a lot of people say how sucky 2011 was, how fucking woeful their lives have been in the past 12 months. I can appreciate that though I like to try find a positive or two and focus on that instead.

If I look back exactly 12 months ago I could say that I had just left a job I liked, where I was surrounded by people I love and was loved in return. I moved onto something seemingly more exciting, where I was treated like a person, a place that embraced fun. And brag? Holy shit I bragged about how fucking happy I was, how awesome this new job was despite it being the same. That lasted all of 3 months. I didn’t know then that my mind would go, that my strength would disipate and that I’d lose hope in everything. My entire body shut down to the point where I was almost vomiting on my front porch at the very idea of going to work. Then I quit.

It was my eldest sister that planted the idea that I should follow my dreams. I began that journey in late February. I was cocky and still sort of am. I thought I’d have a game done and finished within months and to be fair to myself I got a great deal of work done. I was unemployed for a total of 6. In that time I visited my old workplace many times, drank coffee, smoked cigarettes and laughed with friends. Some of them moved on throughout the year, citing the same reasons that everyone does when they leave that place. At some stage one of my friends apparently became so engrossed in her work that 5 minutes for a fag and a conversation just wasn’t feasible any more. Honestly I think this is bullshit, but oh well, life happens. It’s sad to say that friends come and go, for various reasons, some get married and move on, some just move too far away, some fall into their careers. Either way they become people you use to know and that’s that. Sure you might see them in the street from time to time, say your socially acceptable “hello” “how are you?” non-conversational but it’s just not the same as it was and probably won’t ever be.

I find it interesting that despite this loss I found some other friends in people I didn’t think thought much of me when they were merely workmates so that’s a plus.  I hope these friendships continue in 2012.

After that six months of not “working” was up I happened to find another call centre job. It didn’t last long which is a bit of a shame because it was money in the pocket and the people I worked with were pretty cool. I lasted less than a month before it went to shit. So I sold my car. It hurt a lot to get rid of it. She was the first car I really worked hard to obtain, though after some thought I had to understand that it was just an asset worth money and I needed cash more than I needed an easy mode of transport. I said goodbye to my friends again knowing it would be months before I could get into town easily and got to work.  I worked hard, though the game still isn’t done and honestly it could be another 2-3-4 months before it’s complete. We’re pretty much out of cash again and I’m on the hunt for work again and I can’t help but wonder if I should have left that place.

Despite all of this I think the answer is yes. Ultimately I walked away for a good reason, and I’ve learned a lot about life in the past 12 months. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’m glad I’ve followed my dream. Sure it’s been a hard road to walk but I’m still breathing, I’m positive I’ve made the right decision. If this all works out then I’ll be able to help others like me achieve their goals and dreams. I don’t make games to get rich, I’m not fussed if I own a multi-storey house or drive the flashiest car. I do this because I want to show the world that people in small cities can do just as well, if not better, than people in the big ones. I want to be able to give others an opportunity to create their own worlds, and to bring joy to countless millions, I do this because when I was eight I heard people having fun and decided that I wanted everyone to experience that. I honestly think that if we could all have a little bit more fun in our lives that this world we find ourselves in wouldn’t fucking suck so much and we would no longer get to the end of each year and scream out about how fucking bad it was.

Happy new year folks. I hope it’s fun.

I don’t know what happened. In one second I went from being employed to not being employed. I am both relieved and panicked at being in this situation again. Mostly panicked.

This time I don’t have the security net I had before where I could take my time, and knew, how long I could take before it all went tits up. Last time I slid across the line with seconds to spare. I don’t have that… luxury now. I ran right for the panic stations, and within days had an interview with a temp agency, lodged ten applications for full time employment ( in places that aren’t call centers ) and made calls. That was a few weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything since. I rang the temp agency today to find out how things were. They had one position last week. For everyone they have on the books there was one just they could offer. Needless to say it was not I that recieved said offer.

So here I am. Every day so far I’ve mashed the REFRESH button on my browser on every major job site I can, putting in applications for almost everything that pays money. The key qualifiers for any job I’m applying for right now are a) Does it pay money b) Could I do this?

The silence is crushing. I’ve applied, recieved little “Thanks for your application” emails, and then nothing. Barely a rejection notice.

Therefore I decided to change it up a bit, do something outside of my comfort zone and put a dontate button on this site. I like to think of it as a kickstarter/pay it forward. I’ll explain.

Basically anyone that donates money to me is giving me cash to stay alive. Whilst I’m alive I’ll work on my game. If the game is successful a) I’ll hire people to work on the second game. b) Should profits allow, I’ll donate 150% of whatever I recieve from now until the release of the game to a charity. I’ll put a poll up just before the release so we can choose what charity to donate to.

Of course there is another way for me to live. I can sell my car. Minimum value of my car is around $10k. If I sell my car for that much I can afford to pay the bills for 3 months. But I’ll be losing a car I love, and I lose a very good mode of transport. And my wife would cry. So would my best mate.

The third secret option is I find a job within the next few days. I don’t really care what it is, so if you know someone in the Hobart area that’s looking for a quick learner, that (currently ) has a car, and it isn’t call center work let me know. I’ll hook you up with a resume.

When I was 18 I helped talk a man out of shooting his wife.
She left him for whatever reason and he felt the appropriate action was to take his .22 bolt action rifle out of his wardrobe and go after her.  I get that he was pissed. Having your heart broken is the ultimate form of rejection. Here you have a person that you’re willing to share your life with tell you that they don’t want any part of it.  That obviously hurts and if you’ve been dumped then you know the feeling. I certainly hope though that your first thought wasn’t to take a gun and do the old “well if I can’t have her/him then no one can!!” like a god damn fucking nut job.

I won’t go into too much detail really aside from the fact that I somehow manage to convince a very upset person that not shooting his wife is a good idea. I never even considered for a second that he would shoot me or his son instead.

That has to be the most memorable night of my life. Looking back it’s probably the most selfless thing I’ve ever had to do and I’m proud to have saved a life.

I thought this gave me some idea of what a stressful situation is.

And then I worked in a call centre.

Holy shit. I would rather talk this fucker down every day instead of this call centre thing. I honestly believe that if you hit the age of, say, 25 and haven’t had a job for longer than a month then the government should either make you do military service or work in a call centre.

To give you an understanding of how it works first tape a phone to your head. Actually do this. Tape it to your head, then, get everyone in your family over the age of 40 to ring you and ask you to fix their computer. Make sure they utter the phrases “but it worked yesterday”, “I’m not stupid”, “I don’t need to do that, the problem is obviously on your end”. Count how many times you roll your eyes.

The job I posted about in my last entry is a call centre. It seems to be the only job I can get. I’m in my 3rd week and I’ve already considered quitting.  From day dot I’ve had trouble sleeping despite medication. I’ve had a full blown series of panic attacks whilst been asleep and waking up gasping for air… but I may as well have woken up on The Moon for all the good it does.

The tricky part about this situation is two fold. First of all, I knew it was a call centre when I applied… I just.. didn’t apply for this position. I took the position when they offered it because, hey, I’m fucking broke and I’ve worked in a call centre before.  Promises were made in the interview, promises which haven’t been kept and can’t be enforced.  I haven’t even taken a call yet and I’m already freaking the fuck out about a whole range of shit.  What sucks most is that the guy that’s giving me training is really good, and seems to understand how I need to be taught before I’ll be comfortable taking calls and then he has to suffer my bullshit of wanting to take calls early, despite not being ready if only to help him out and the pressure to do what’s normal for the business ( which appears to be “get on the phone asap, ask questions later” ).  This dude knows his shit. Knowledge built up over years, access to systems cobbled together as required. The issue is that I don’t think he’s met someone quiet as undecisive as me. I have to admit, there is a desire for me to just get shit done, get on the phones and start taking calls. But then there’s a massive part of my mind that requires a full understanding of a situation before I can act. This part is so overbearing that it shuts my will to move forward down so hard I border on passing out. I spent an hour before work today pacing my front porch in order to force myself to actually go to work.

The second part of the issue is that the team of people I’m in are really close. Like family close. I wanted a job I could go to, do  what’s required and GTFO. I wanted this so I could come home, work on The Game and leave once that’s released and I’m diving face first into  a pool filled with Skittles.  I can already tell that if I can make it few a couple of weeks of call taking that I’m going to make friends, and then lose all interest in my own dreams again.  And in five years time I’ll wonder what happened.. where my dreams went and by then it’ll be too late.

And yet I can’t quit. Not for lack of wanting to, but for practicality. I hate that I am bound to a position that I don’t want to get close to, can’t seem learn and ultimately is tearing me apart. I hate that I try and tell people what I need and they look at me weird, or don’t even listen to the concerns or suggestions I have or worse, pretend to listen but forget it five minutes later and carry on being ignorant. I hate that I have to write this out after being so fucking happy just to be employed again, that I could help out with money again, that I had a place to go that wasn’t 3 feet away from my bedroom, and that I could help people with their issues. I hate that my friends and family are so proud that I got a real job and every time I bring up how shitty it makes me feel all I get is “You’ll be right” , “Just stick with it” and “Sometimes you have to put up with shit, you’ll be runnin’ the place one day”.

Anyway fuck this, I’m tired, and exhausted and there’s a spot just above my right eye  that’s aching like a mother fucker. I’m going to go double down on some sleeping meds in the vain hope that I make it through a night where I don’t wake up shaking and wondering where all the fucking oxygen has gone. And tomorrow I’ll pace my porch again, fake a smile again and not quit again.

That’s just how I roll.

I got a job.

That means that someone is going to pay me money to do things for them. Like your mum. HA HA! Buuurn.

To be really really honest I’ve enjoyed my time away from working for someone else that I don’t want to go back, but given what I’m doing isn’t generating an income yet I don’t really have any other choice.

There’s pros and cons to going back to work. First obviously is cash and that’s going to help a lot. Second is that the place where I’m going to be working is very close to where I use to work, before the last place I worked at and I have friends there. Which is awesome. These are the friends I normally go visit on the days where my inspiration is gone and I need a decent cup of coffee and friendly face to have a chat with. The cons really are the time factor. Given that the job is full time it really doesn’t leave a lot left over to work on The Game like I want to. I’ve worked out a system though where I can work on certain nights where my wife is doing other things… and on the nights she isn’t then we can nerd it up. Not that she’d admit to many people that she’s a Blood Elf Mage and she’s married to a Tauren Druid or anything but hey… I carry my Nerd Card with pride and one day she will as well. The issue with this system is that there will be days where I don’t finish work until night time.   A few of you would probably suggest that I just work on The Game before work, however, that doesn’t work. I tried that before with the place I use to work at before the last place I worked and it just didn’t.. .work.

The issue with working before work is that I get wrapped up in said work and then call in sick to work. Or I can’t focus on the work I want to be doing and then spend the rest of the day resenting the work I get paid to do.

Work work work work.

Also, I’m really nervous about the new job. Not because it’s new or the stuff I’ll be dealing with is difficult at all but because it’s another call centre and the last time I worked in a call centre it didn’t really end so well. Not that I ended up going ninja on management or anything but because it was a primary cause for me realising and being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. And that sucked. Like, harder than ya mum ( but with less loving ).  What’s interesting is that the last place I worked at wasn’t even that bad. They were really nice people. I think I was just over the whole Strap-a-phone-to-ya-head-and-listen-to-the-whine thing.

The only silver lining I can see to this is that it’s short term. Like 6 months or so. I also figure that if  I don’t like it then I can always look for other work to do in the mean time. And of course the time spent there is time I get paid cash which means I can do other things that will go towards the business in the long run. Which is awesome.

Speaking of chips and sauce. I spent all of last week working on a system in The Game where the player can pick up ammo. Exciting stuff. The end result was me changing a bunch of code that worked really well into more code. This code also sort of worked in that the compier didn’t throw shit at me about how ‘object’ cannot be found in ‘class’.  The end result was a lovely little green line of text that said “0 Warnings, 0 Errors – completed” and me going “wooooo!”.

Until I ran the editor. And it crashed.  Me, thinking that my freshly compiled code caused a fuck up, ran the editor again.. and it crashed.. again. So. I reverted back to a previous version and ran the editor again. And it crashed. Apparently, after a quick Popular Search Engine search discovered a common problem that was easily fixed. I facepalmed so hard I think I broke a tooth ( I didn’t really. Violence solves nothing kids ).
This is something that I’ll return to tomorrow. Possibly. Depending on how many cigarettes I have available. And if I can remember the code.

Anyway I better go. My Blood Elf Mage wife will be back soon and I’ve got to kill some Undead King made of Ice or something.

Two weeks from tomorrow I’d have been unemployed for 6 months. It was the marker I said would never happen. I have two weeks and one day to find a job to stop this from occurring and I have doubts. Serious doubts and serious thoughts that go along with said doubts.

Work on the The Game has essentially stopped for now because I need money. A sad fact of life is that I cannot barter skills for my internet connection, my rent or food. In today’s western society you require sheets of plastic with faces and quotes printed on it to get anywhere. Well, to be honest you don’t need the plastic sheets… you need 1′s and 0′s in your bank account to trade for goods and or services.

Thankfully I’m married to a person that really meant “I do” when asked about “Richer or Poorer” and she’s been keeping us going for a while now. Tomorrow is the last time that she can afford to pay rent. We’re going to be safe for two more weeks. And then we’re, for lack of a better term and to really drive it home, fucked.  I mean royally, shove-it-in-your-pooper fucked.  So I’ve had some thoughts, one of which is selling my car. Now a normal person would look at their car and think “Hell son it’s just a car” but to me my car is not just a car. My car is loved by me. It is one of the few things I own that I really wanted and I worked hard for it. I put in hours in hell to be able to afford to pay for it. And I don’t just drive my car, I drive it. When I’m behind the wheel, my arse massaged by it’s leather seats, Tool massaging my ears and soothing my mind and the bitumen laid out before me I am at peace. But it’s worth money. A fair amount of money that would see us through for a while longer. I could sell it, buy a “run around” peice of crap and be okay for a while longer. But if I did that then I think a part of me would die. I would always regret selling it therefore that idea is out. For now.

The other idea would be to snap and just claim welfare. I was on the website earlier calculating how much I’d get per fortnight. It isn’t much. I really don’t understand how people can choose to live on nothing but welfare their entire lives. I get that they can’t afford to live in the nice areas of town or give their kids and education they deserve but still, if you have the options why would you choose that one? There’s two reasons why I’ve gone this long without claiming assistance. The first is that I quit my job. I made the decision to take myself out of a position that paid me money. Of course it wasn’t a decision I truly 100% made myself given the whole “oh hey you’ve got an anxiety disorder and it’s mostly caused by where you work”. The day I left I was physically shaking on my front porch with the idea of going to work in my mind.  So because I was the one that left and I wasn’t forced out I’ve always felt that I don’t deserve that money. The second reason is that I’ve been on the system before and I remember the hoops you jump through to get that money and I wonder if it’s worth it. It isn’t so much the time it takes but the criteria behind it that makes it so wasteful. Effectivley you apply for every job you can regardless of if you’re suitable or not. That reeks of time wasting to me. Why would I send my resume and details off to a construction company if I have no skills as a construction worker? Someone at that company would have to read my resume, my selection criteria and my cover letter and toss it all in the trash. Instead I’d prefer to apply for jobs I can do, have an interest in and would be good at and not waste time and resources.  Of course I could go the other route of collecting welfare by studying again. I have an interest in gaining documentation and knowledge on business management. I looked into this earlier today though I’ve missed the start of the current semester. A shame because there’s less hoops that way. It’s a sore point but I might have to break and apply anyway, regardless of time wastage and pride.

There is, apparently, a little ray of potential sunshine that could burn these fucking clouds away.  There is an opportunity to work where my wife works, depending soley on me getting an interview, and then impressing her management enough to employ me. It doesn’t pay well but it’s more than welfare, means I won’t need to sell my car or jump through ridiculous hoops and we can pay rent. We might be late next time it comes around but we can pay it. I don’t want to get my hopes up but it’s hard not to when you feel like you’ve let people down. It wasn’t long ago that I wondered if chasing my dreams was worth it and I still don’t have an answer to this question.  I really hope it is.

So here we are. One minute to midnight.

I think I might go listen to some Wilson Phillips.

I’m undecided what to do with today. It’ll be work on The Game I know that much but what exactly am I going to work on. There seems to be so much to do.

It’s funny that whenever I mention to someone that I’m making a game I get asked a few standard questions.

1) What sort of game is it?
2) What’s the story?
3) How long is it.

I’ll answer 1 and 3. You’ll have to play it for to fully grasp  2 though I will probably “leak” a bit more about it later.

1, it’s a first person shooter. Single player.  In that you have weapons ( multiple guns and knife ) and you try not to die whilst running towards an end and discover a beginning.

3, It’s as long as it needs to be. I’m aiming for an hour to two hours for me to be able to run through it and given that I know where shit is I’m hoping for it to be a little longer for everyone else. I don’t want to fall into the trap of putting in filler to space it out and I don’t want to have it feel like it’s made for people with ADD. I want to make a game that is the introduction to both a world and a story that people will enjoy.

As well as the standard questions I get people that have their “ideas” for it. “It would be cool if” is the start of a conversation I don’t want to have.  “Gotta have multiplayer”, “Make it so I can interact with everything” and “I know a guy who does 3d/programming/sound engineering” as well as “Hey I’ll play test it for you”  are all things that I no longer want to hear. I might just address each of these as to why.

Multiplayer. No, there are enough games that do multiplayer. I do have a multiplayer game on the cards but it’s something more complex and requires a bit more coding knowledge than I currently have. It’ll also work better if I include it in the 3rd game. I don’t want to design a singleplayer experience and tack it on.

Interaction with everything. I recently watched a “let’s play” style video of a game that everyone was waiting for with this ability in it. You could spin a toilet roll, draw on a whiteboard ( anyone that has ever played a game knows the one I’m referring to ) and it didn’t add anything. It was just there. I really don’t want that. If I add this to a game it’ll be because whatever you’re interacting with has a reason. Wanna pick up a chair and smash someone in the face? Go for it. There’s a rusty pipe laying on the ground.. it’s a weapon. Found an axe? Use it to smash in a locked door and scream at your terrified wife and child.

“I know a guy” – That’s awesome, I’m sure they’re really good at what they do. The issue with this isn’t that I wouldn’t like to make use of your friend but at the same time this is the first time I’ve made a game and run a business. I can barely afford to cover my own costs let alone the costs of someone else. What if my game doesn’t sell? Is your friend going to be happy with doing all this work without payment? Probably not. If I make enough cash to move onto the second game then yes, let me meet this person and I might be able to hire them and pay them an actual wage.

Play testing – I get that you want to play my game for free. Who doesn’t like free stuff? I love free stuff. Free stuff is my friend right now. Half the people that offer this service don’t know what it really involves. They don’t understand that by the time the game is ready for release that they’re going to hate the game. Hate it like they hated their parents when they were 15. Like they hate their manager at whatever dead end job they’re currently at. Play testing is taking a game, playing it in ways that it wasn’t intended to be played ( “what happens if I try walk through this part of the wall with this particular weapon out… ” ) then when something fucks up ( and it will ) write a report to the person responsible ( me ) and then in the next version try it again. And then try break something else. It’s tedious, boring and soul destroying. I have a very good friend that does this for a living. He is one of the people that I will ask to test for me because I know that’s what he does… I’ve got a couple of others as well that I trust to not just play the game and come back with “It’s perfect, everything is awesome” or “It would be cool if…”.

Moving on.

Yesterday I spent a solid 10 hours on one model. And then at the end of that 10 hours I looked at what I had and wasn’t happy. It was a very very frustrating experience. I could look at it two ways. The first way is that I could say “what a fucking waste of time” or I could learn from it and figure out where I went wrong and improve. Most people that know me would describe me as cynical and sarcastic. They’d be right in saying this as well.  At first I did kick myself and make a sadface but then I had a smoke ( horray cancer ) and reflected and came up with The Flow .  A quick explanation of terms. Poly = polygon. Generally made up of four vertices connected with lines. Not always a square. Could also be made up of more points and lines, or less but generally four. When it’s four it’s called a quad and quads are king in the land of polys because… well they flow better and this is probably getting confusing already. High poly models are your Pixar quality models. They can run into the high hundred thousands and up to millions depending on how much detail you want/need. Low poly models are for games. At most you’re looking at about 20 thousand polys.

The reason games use low poly is because everything is drawn on the screen in real time. Computers are only so fast.  What use to happen is that a 3d artist would make a low poly model, apply whatever texture they were going to use and that would be it. It was a limitation of technology at the time. Some of the really good ones were able to make some very very nice looking stuff. It doesn’t hold a candle to what we can do now though.

Some time ago someone came up with this brilliant thing called “Normal Mapping”. Normal maps use colours ( Red, Green and Blue ) to tell the computer that there are “bumps” on the surface. Before Normal Mapping there was bump mapping. Bump maps use greys only to define a bump. White is the top of the bump, black is more of a valley. The problem is that bump maps could only do up and down. Normal maps are similar but they back in a buttload more information and the result is crisper details ( Normal maps are limited as well and surpassed by Parallax mapping but fuck explaining all of it ). Anyways. Normal maps are now part of the average 3d model. The wrinkles you see on your Bald Space Marine’s forehead aren’t modelled on the low poly, they’re a result of a normal map. So now there’s more work to do when you make a 3d model. And this is now mine.

1. High poly model is made first. If I were making a person I could be using anywhere up to 1 million polygons. I’d include information like wrinkles on the skin ( I’d paint pores in a a bump map ), cloth would be modelled, laces on shoes would also be modelled. It would all be geometry. To look at it would be almost lifelike or at least that would be the goal.

2. Low poly model is made. On this you’re essentially following the broader shapes of the highpoly but trying to keep the poly count as low as possible. An average person in the engine I’m using is around 15k’s worth of polys. Massive difference to the count on the high.

3. Do texture layout for the low poly model. The sad truth of modelling is that you can’t just “paint” your model like you would anything in the real world and expect to come back later to make changes  and be able to have it make sense unless you do a proper layout. Example : If you have a face and want a layout, you need to essentially “peel” the skin off and lay it flat. You’re taking that 3d object and making it 2d. Texture layouts of faces is one of the freakiest fucking things you will ever see. It’s creepy as shit to look at.

3.1 If your model is made out of separate bits  ( a gun has a trigger, and a hammer and other parts that aren’t static ) then the texture layout should be done in  a way that your texture combines all the parts. I forgot to do this on my model yesterday and learned this the hard way.

4. Bake the textures/detail from the high poly onto the low. Baking is essentially the 3d program taking all the detail and “bumps” from the high poly model and creating a Normal Map for you. It can also be used to create Specular Maps/ Lighting maps and colour information depending on your highpoly. Once this is done you can usually apply the newly created texture to your low poly and tidy shit up…. and you will need to tidy shit up.

3.1.1 ( WHAT! ). If your low poly model was separate parts you can now combine most of the mesh.

5. Rigging. If your model is animated then you’ll need to make bones to apply to your mesh. This process is usually pretty straight forward. Bones allow you to move vertices just like your bones move your flesh. In games everything is made of meat. All you’re doing here is telling the program which vertices belong to which bones. You wouldn’t have vertices in a finger strapped to a foot. Unless the foot has fingers on it.

6. Animation. Yeah. I don’t think I need to explain this to you.

And that’s The Flow. Confusing as fuck at first but it makes sense after a while and greatly increases efficiency. I used this exact flow on one of my other models and compared to yesterdays fuck-up was a huge success. I now have it written down ( on a Post-It )  and will use it on everything else I need to make.

So now that I’ve managed to scramble some non gamers brains and make myself look like a total mental case I’m going to go do some work. I still don’t know… I might avoid 3d today. Too confusing.

Monday was a bad day.

I found myself frustrated with myself and everything around me and needed to get out of this room for a while. It was too bad the weather wasn’t decent or I would have just hoped in the car and gone for a drive to Formally Known As.

Yesterday was a bad day.

I did what I wanted… no. I did what I needed to do on Monday. Maybe I’m tired, maybe I’m not sure I want to write this. But I’m going to. I have to .

And I’m sorry.

I was told that one of my friends no longer has a job to go to and it wasn’t their choice for this to happen. I don’t know all the details. I don’t think I want to. All I know is they’re really good at what they did and removing them instead of supporting them was a terrible idea. I was abhorrently violent in my opinions in a semi-public forum and I apologise for any offence that may have been caused by this. I have since removed my feet from my mouth.

That wasn’t the only reason yesterday sucked.

This is an open letter to Smiley.

Are you okay? I mean seriously alright with the way you are right now? Twice I’ve been to see you and twice you’ve walked away. I don’t mean from just me but from anyone that’s around. You scurry off like a meerkat hiding from hyenas. I know that you’re busy but you’re forgetting to breathe kiddo. Please just take a breath, relax. We all hit walls and at the speed you’re going when you hit yours it’s going to leave a mark. A big mark. Something might even break and it won’t be the wall.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one to notice it. EW seemed sad yesterday when I asked her to tell you to slow down. I don’t like having sad friends, and I don’t like being sad myself. Right now I’ve got a mutha fuckin’ sad face Smiley and it’s because I’m worried about you. I need to know you’re okay and if you’re not fucking say so. It’s what we’re here for. I’ll drop everything to make sure the people I love are okay. EW is right there, Ex-Nemesis is right there, your other half is right there. And if it turns out I’ve read this wrong and you are okay can you please just pass along a message so I can get back to worrying about how many cigarettes I’ve got left and where next weeks rent is coming from? next time I see you, hug or a handshake. I’d be happy for either.

I think I’ll leave this here and go listen to some really loud music. I might regret my loss of hearing if I make it to 60 but in the mean time I need some ultra violent riffs to blow these tears away. I love you all.

This probably won’t be funny but that’s assuming any of my other posts have been.

I keep getting e-mails from racists that would proclaim to not be racist. The people sending me this garbage are both family members and friends and I’m writing this as a global “FUCKING STOP IT!”. I am not interested in your uneducated world views.

Every single one of these fucking things is an attack on brown people that are either:

Taking our jobs

Believe in a God we don’t believe in and are therefore terrorists.

Believe in a God we don’t believe in and are therefore terrorists taking our jobs.

Let’s get one thing out there. You’re not special because you’re white. Many years ago a person fucked another person, and they had a kid who grew up and fucked another person who then had a kid who grew up and fucked another person and those people are your parents. At some stage your dad gave your mum a good hard rogering and 9 months later you were born. If both your parents are white then you came out white. It’s the same for people that are brown ( and yellow and green and beige). We all came into existence the same way. Well, except for people who’s dad shot a load into a glass tube or however that IVF shit works.

There’s a reason I never grew up to teach biology.

Here’s the big issue I have with these e-mails. They’re all spread around by fear.

Nearly 10 years ago a group of people / the American government decided to fly a few planes into buildings. Planes don’t kill people, people flying planes into buildings kills people and it’s those people that the fear is of. Apparently the group of people that did thing whole flying planes into buildings were Muslim or Islamic or whatever religion white people aren’t meant to be a part of ( So says society ). News corporations and governments are sticking to this like a fly on shit. They use it daily to keep the populace controlled and they’re really fucking good at it.

The last e-mail I recieved and the one that has finally pushed me over the edge has a statement that if you don’t do a certain action that mosques will be built in your neighbourhood. I wonder why this is a bad thing. A mosque is essentially the same as a church and a church is just a building that delusional idiots go to when they want to pray to their invisible sky wizard and if that’s what people want to do then that’s fine by me.  I don’t have a problem with people being Christian or Catholic or Muslim or Jewish. I honestly could not give a fuck. I do have a problem with either one of these groups attacking other groups because of some uneducated fear. I also have a problem when either one of those groups tries to push me into their way of thinking by sending me stupid shit. I have an even bigger problem when people who say they’re a part of these groups when really they aren’t and they try push these stupid ideas on me.If you don’t do everything that it’s your special book then you’re not truly a part of that religion and you need to come up with some other word for what you are.

If I were to paint these organisations with a pretty broad brush I could say that they’re all exactly the same. If you take the base underling rules of each major religion that believes in a single God the premise is identical.

Don’t murder each other.

Love your fellow man.

Those people that flew planes into buildings nearly 10 years ago didn’t do it because their God told them to, they did it because another man gave them reason using religion as an excuse. It isn’t like each one of them had a vision from their God that said “Travel to America and murder as many people as possible”. Anyone that says otherwise should go read The Bible, The Book of Mormon and then The Koran and appreciate that not one of them says “If you find someone that doesn’t believe the words written here then you must murder them”. If anything they all state that you should educate the person. That’s salesmanship right there. You don’t find corporations killing you if you don’t want to buy their product. They use good advertising to recruit you into their line of thinking. Religions are essentially corporations and if they stuck to the primary goal the product would be love.

The key thing to remember is this. If you recieve an e-mail stating that brown people are coming to take over the world and if you don’t spread the word the worst will happen you have two choices. You can either buy into the fear and hit the forward button or you could take a moment and realise that the information you’re being given is half horseshit and half misinformation and delete it.

If you choose the first one for the love of fuck don’t fucking send it to me.